My Name Is Not Emo

Again, a story I would like to share to everyone. You might have read this somewhere but PLEASE, read this story until the end, it is such and eye / mind opener. This story is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals who take life for granted...

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Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.


Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.


I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Let’s go fetch mother."


Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.


Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."


Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."


Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.


Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."


There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.


Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In her iew, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.


As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in
our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.



One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him:
"What did I do wrong?"


Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn’t possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.


During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.


To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"


He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.


The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes...


I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.


We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.


I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was then at a low point in my life.


Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.


Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.


I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?


Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.


Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."


I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?


Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.


As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarrelled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother..


Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.


I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues as we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.


One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me.


I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.


I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:

Following mother's death so did our love for each other.



He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.


One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.


As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."


He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.....


We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him.


I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him... From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet.


This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?


Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him. Almost every day, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.


He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, it’s like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.


He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:

In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?


He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.

I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...


I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.


I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."


I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....


Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.


Hubby has also written a letter for me:


"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "


Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.

Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...

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Seriously i was brought down to tears as i read this, yes, emo man reading emo story....

Cruel misunderstandings one after another had disrupted so many things in life. Destiny's secret is usually revealed with a hefty price tag and when it happens, everything will become too late....

This might and might not be a true story but the learning point is :

DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!

If you were to keep your mind occupied with thoughts of
"Why did you did that last time?"
"I'm afraid history might repeats itself and you did the same thing..."
"I'm scared you will be the same again"
"I don't want it to be like last time..."
"I don't think we can solved what happened last time..."
etc.

The grudge will never goes off and what you're doing is simply digging a deeper hole and hid yourself in it. Why not face it and ask your heart? Do what you really intend to... Who do you really wish to be with when all else fails? and who was there for you when it happens?

I am totally speechless when I read this story the first time... as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger. Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in the story, as well as patience.

Hopefully the paradigm shift of thoughts happens to all of you out there and not only to me...

You're not lost..... you just need directions

I received this through mail...

One day a traveler in a remote country town, convinced that he was on the wrong road, came to a halt in a village. Calling one of the villagers to the car window, he said

"Friend, I need help. I'm lost"

The villager looked at him for a moment.... "Do you know where you are?" he asked.

"Yes," said the traveler. "I saw the name of the town as I entered."

The man nodded his head, "Do you know where you want to be?"

"Yes," the traveler replied.

"You're not lost," he said, "you just need directions."


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Many of us are in the same position as the traveler. We know where we are - sometimes disappointed, dissatisfied, and experiencing little peace of mind. And we know where we want to be - at peace, fulfilled and living life abundantly. Like the traveler, we are not lost - we just need directions.

It doesn't take much to find the high road to success, but to reach it you need an agenda for the present. We all need directions for today. We need a purpose...

Lately I'd been thinking much on my own future. What dreams do I have and am I really walking towards it? Somehow my memories seems to fallback to those days in primary school when the homeroom teacher asked us what we want to be?

I still remembered the popular choices were Doctors, Engineers, Businessman and even Teachers!! I vaguely remembered for the 6 years I'd put in "Doctor" as my future job. But I'd grown to be realistic when I'm in Form Six. Science is something I like but not something I want to be... End up, my current ambition? Whatever will do as long as I'll be rich in the end. But with the pace I'm running at I will never get anywhere. I need directions desperately.

Before that, some random ranting....
My new Big Boss came in last week and we are all pushed towards our extreme limit (meetings starts at 7 and 6, that's 7.00 A.M and 6.00 P.M) so our new working time is "officially" 7 to 7. He set the bars really high for us and he showed us clearly the directions on the first day itself. No doubt he is a leader... But he's taking things too extreme I would say. Having a vision and fulfilling a 2 years vision in 1 week is too damn extreme...

SO back to the directions, yes now I have my directions, albeit still a little blurry but the fog is lifting up. I'm walking towards my goal at the expense of my health, life and also youth? I just noticed how my life had became of lately. My daily routine :

1. reached workplace at 6.45am
2. meetings at 7.00am / study the market till 8.45am
3. work till 12.20pm
4. lunch till 1.00pm
5. work till 5.45pm
6. meeting starts / if none, go home
7. study since i failed my fucking exam
8. sleep at 1.00am
9. repeats 1 again

I wonder how many years can i go on like this... my new boss is even proposing something more extreme...

1. reached workplace at 6.45am
2. meetings at 7.00am / study the market till 8.45am
3. work till 12.20pm
4. lunch till 1.00pm
5. work till 5.45pm
6. meeting starts / if none, go home
7. meet clients for dinner / socializing till like 10.00pm?
8. study since i failed my fucking exam
9. sleep at 2.30am?
10. repeats 1 again

hopefully i'll pass it this sitting, i could really get some good rest... I need it desperately...

Come, count how old you are....

When you love someone, let them know... You never know what will happen the next minute.... Learn to build a life together.. Learn to love each other. For who they are.. Not what they are...

From Email...


One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer's office...



Apparently, they are there to file a divorce. Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story....

This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right.They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there's nothing else the old couple have to worry about, all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce....

Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70, he couldn't understand why the old couple would still want a divorce..

While they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband....

"I really love u, but I really cant carry on anymore, I'm sorry. I really do not want to be with you anymore. I do not want to lie to you as my feelings to you is no longer there... I know you tried really hard to sustain this relationship but it's my decision.... "

"Its okay, I understand... " said the husband. Looking at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together, just 3 of them, wife thought, why not, since they are still gonna be friends....

At the dining table, there was a silence of awkwardness.

The first dish was roasted chicken, immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady...."Take this, its your favorite...."

Looking at this, the lawyer thought maybe there's still a chance, but the wife was frowning when she answer...

"This is always the problem, you always think so highly of yourself, never thought about how I feel, don't you know that I hate drumsticks? Do you know in fact i love chicken wings the most?"


Little did she know that, over the years, the husband have been trying all ways to please her, little did she know that drumsticks was the husband's favorite. Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all, little did he know that she hates drumsticks even though all he wants is the best for her...

That night, both of them couldn't sleep, toss and turn, toss and turn... After hours, the old man couldn't take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he can't carry on life without her, he wants her back, he wants to tell her, he is sorry, he wanted to tell her "I love you".... He had so many words and stories to share with her...

He wanted to tell her how they will bring up their grand children, how they will live to see their grand children schooling and even wedding....

He wanted to tell her how they use to sing songs to each other whenever they are in need of each other courage and support...

He wanted to tell her how she always smile at his jokes and how the smile of hers make him even happier...

Most of all, he wanted to tell her that how deep and how much he could love her....

He picks up the phone, starting dialing her number.... ringing never stops... he never stop dialing....

He had so many things to share and to live with her despite their old age and yet those words never reached her......

On the other side, she was sad, she couldn't understand how come after all these years, he still doesn't understand her at all, she loves him a lot, but she just cant take it anymore....

Phone' s ringing, she refuses to answer knowing that its him... "Whats the point of talking now that its over... I have ask for it and now I wanna keep it this way, if not I will lose face... Since it's my decision, let me be the one that will regret over it... "

She thought... Still ringing... She have decided to pull out the cord... And switches her mobile phone to silent mode... Little did she remember, he have heart problems...

The next day, she received news that he had passed away... She rushed down to his apartment, saw his body, lying on the couch still holding on to the phone... He had a heart attack when he was still trying to get through her phone line....

As sad as she could be... She will have to clear his belongings... When she was looking through the drawers, she saw this insurance policy, dated from the day they got married, with the beneficiary being her... And together in those file, there was this note...

"To my dearest wife, by the time you're reading this, I'm sure I'm no longer around, I bought this policy for you, though the amount is only RM500k, I hope it will be able to help me continue my promise that I have made when we got married, I might not be around anymore, I want this amount of money to continue taking care of you, just like the way I will if I could have live longer. I want you to know I will always be around, by your side... I love you my dear"

Tears flowed like river......


"When you love someone, let them know... You never know what will happen the next minute.... Learn to build a life together.. Learn to love each other. For who they are.. Not what they are..."

生活有時陰差陽錯，你錯過了一時，就似乎錯過了一生。 有個男孩，在學校的新生聯歡會上認識了一個女孩。女孩笑容入春花，聰明活潑，男孩對她幾乎是一見鍾情，卻沒有表露。因為男孩剛經過高中階段循規蹈矩式教育，對男女感情小心翼翼得令人難以置信，他想：「再等等吧，等一切成熟些，再向她說。」 一年多後的一個夜晚，男孩終於鼓足勇氣約女孩出來，向她表達了心中的愛意。沒想到，平時口齒伶俐的女孩結.結巴巴地說：「我......我想我不能接受......你的好意，一個星期之前......我已經......接受了另一個......男孩......我真得......不知道你......會喜歡我......」女孩說完就跑掉了，沒有讓男孩看到她濕潤的眼睛。 後來，有人看到男孩同學校的校花經常出雙入對，大家都以為他看中了校花的美貌，誰也沒有注意，校花有著和女孩一樣的春花般的笑容，非常相似，所以誰都沒有發現男孩的苦心。但是沒多久，男孩與校花的愛情就以分手告吹。 大學生活很快就結束了。畢業後，女孩披上了嫁衣成了別人的新娘，而男孩再沒有戀愛過。因為他清楚，只有這個女孩才是他今生唯一的至愛。 男孩從朋友那裡輾轉打聽到女孩的生日和地址，每到女孩生日時，他就會叫人送去九朵鬱金香，但他卻不知道女孩最喜歡什麼花，他自己最喜歡鬱金香。男孩知道女孩已為人婦，所以他從來不在卡片裡留下姓名和聯絡好號碼，他不想因為自己的感情而影響女孩的生活。 幾年時間轉眼就過去了，男孩依然是形單影隻，依然記得每年都送花給女孩。就在女孩生日的前兩天，男孩參加了一個同學聚會，他聽說女孩在這幾年裡經歷了兩次離婚，如今也是獨身，心裡又是心疼又是高興。他為女孩遭遇了感情的不幸而心疼，又為自己再次有了機會而高興...... 終於等到女孩的生日！男孩在卡片裡寫下幾個字：「你知道我在愛你嗎？！」男孩英俊的臉上灑滿了笑意與希望，逕直向街心走去...... 就在那時，一輛逆行的貨車撞倒了他...... 女孩在收到鬱金香的同時也收到了男孩的死訊。 女孩明白了一切，她把自己鎖在房間裡哭了整整一夜。疋回想起多年前的那個夜晚，男孩對她表白。她一直不知道，這近十年來，男孩是如此執著而痴心地愛著她！想到這裡，她就哭得更傷心，奔瀉的淚水將鬱金香浸染得無限淒美。女孩知道，她失去了今生難遇難求的至愛。 然而，長眠的男孩永遠也不知道，女孩最喜歡的，正是鬱金香啊......

I got this long time ago, it's from another site
http://ngszeli.net/ngszeli/love/miss/